Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Baby Issue

So last night I had a dream that felt so life-like because it almost completely paralleled my current life, except for one thing... I was pregnant.  In my dream I was freaking out a little bit but at the same time utterly excited because I was carrying a child.  Apparently I had gotten pregnant on my last trip visiting my husband and I was planning a move across the country to be with him finally.  Sound familiar??  This dream is both a nightmare and a fantasy...



My husband and I have talked A LOT about having kids.  We both want them and we want them bad, but we both know that it'll be best if we wait for a little while.  We need a chance to be young and alone before we delve into the commitment of raising children for the next 18 years.  Not only that, but we both come from homes where we didn't have exponential wealth and missed out on a lot of things, we don't want that for our kids.  I know we could make it on what he's making right now, but I don't want to just "make it" I want our children to never have to witness an empty Christmas tree or have to wear old and previously owned clothes that gets them tormented and picked on at school.  I want my husband and I to have a solid financial base before adding more financial instability into our lives.  I know we can't always plan a child and "accidents" happen but it's more than just finances.

I often ask myself if I would want to raise a child in the Army.  I know that the Army has a lot to offer families and the insurance would be beneficial in covering the medical expenses and all that jazz... but there is just so much that I would want to shelter my child from if at all possible.  I hear all the time about women that don't get to have their husbands by their side when they give birth, or the husband is always gone for deployments and misses out on the growth of the child.  I could honestly care less about raising a child on my own, that's not the issue.  I'm more concerned with my husband missing out on our children's growth, first steps, first words, school activities.  I want him to have that relationship with his children and I want the kids to feel like they actually have a father.  I know, people in the Army can have perfectly healthy families with perfect relationships, but I don't know if I'm willing to take that risk.

Not only that, but I'm scared silly of pregnancy itself.  I know I'm going to get stretchmarks, I already have them on my hips from when I hit puberty.  I know I'm probably going to gain 50 lbs that's going to take me 2 years to work off because I gain weight like nobody's business if I don't exercise a lot.  I know it's selfish, but is it really too much to ask to remain in my "prime" for a couple of years to enjoy the body that I've worked really hard to get??

I feel like women like me that are Army wives and don't have kids are pretty much the minority in the Army.  Every wife I know, with only few exceptions, are either pregnant, with children or TTC.  I know some might look down on my decision, but I feel like I don't want to put my kids through the harm of missing out on a father figure in their lives.  Yes, having a child would make me busier and keep me occupied during times when I'm not working and such but I also want a career.  I didn't go to college for my health, I went because I want to help others and influence children.  I guess teaching will have to take the place of me having kids for now... 

But we all know "accidents" happen, I might end up with an Army Brat after all... we'll have to see...

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